Bit late to tell me what I can't do. [ Eggsy doesn't regret it. He also doesn't respond well to being told he can't do things. ]
Dennis, it's not like he was at home, thinkin' about what an arsehole he was to you. He was out at a party they have every fucking month, happily flirting with some pretty boy. He didn't look the least bit torn up like you was. He's lucky I didn't knock him out.
I knew about him. I know about Adam. It's not that weird that he's seeing other people, lotta people do that. Don't mean I like it, but he's not my boyfriend, he can see whoever he wants.
[That's what he keeps telling himself, trying to make himself feel better about everything. It probably sounds ridiculous to Eggsy now, with how torn up Dennis was before, it's not like he still isn't, but he's trying not to be an emotional mess and fix things with Joe.]
And he weren't there to see him, he was there to see the new guys in charge.
[But Eggsy talking about Joe being lucky he didn't know him out...]
And don't touch him, he ain't done nothing that deserves that. We both fucked up, a lot, I hurt him just as much as he hurt me.
[ It's not just ridiculous to Eggsy, it's très ridiculous. ]
Who cares about them? You're more important, Dennis. [ Eggsy sighs. ] I'd never lay a finger on him 'cause of you. [ Because of how much Dennis cares about the idiot. ]
I ended up lying to him and saying I had to work the next day early so I wouldn't have to see him. So it doesn't matter that he went to the party. I wanted to see him, but I was a mess, it woulda just been a disaster.
[More than it already ended up being.]
All I've done is tug him around for over a month. Push him away, then want to talk to him, be near him, push him away again. Never knowing what the fuck I want, but it wasn't fair to him. Just cause I'm fucked up in the head over some stupid emotion--
[He keeps telling himself it's stupid, to try and push it down. It'll be easier to make things how they were before that way. He can't keep wallowing and being a mess about this. Even though Joe has repeatedly told him that he shouldn't feel bad about telling him he loves him. That his feelings aren't wrong.]
Dennis. [ Eggsy interrupts him because he can't listen to someone he cares about put himself down so much. ] Nobody's perfect but you ain't fucked up in the head for falling in love. Did he make you think that?
[He's swallowing thickly, shaking his head, even though this is a phone call, even though Eggsy can't see it. He hates how goddamn easy it is lately for him to get so emotional, he feels like at the drop of a hat he's in tears for the past month or so.
It's so draining.]
No, b-but, nothing would have ended up like it has if I just ignored it. None of this. I should've known better.
[Should have known better. How? Why? It's not like he has any frame of reference for any of this, other than most of his relationships being a mess or disaster, non-romantic of course, and the one major relationship he's grown up with, his parents, was a mess. A joke. His father in jail for years for killing someone, his mother putting up with him before that, so strong and the only thing remotely good in his life.
This is just another notch in the belt of his shit show life. Right?]
Ignoring it don't make it go away though, does it? Dunno about you but when I bottle up how I feel about somethin' and don't tell anyone, it ain't long before I explode like a fucking volcano. [ Once upon a time he was the captain of ignoring feelings. For the longest time he pretended he felt nothing but mentor-y feelings for Harry. Being open and honest had paid off in the end - now nothing can get in the way of his and Harry's happiness (for now). He believes it will pay off for Dennis too - at least he hopes - it's just going to take time. ]
If you honestly think I spoke to Joe 'cause I wanted to screw things up between you, you're wrong. I was gonna talk to him on my own, but Harry tagged along 'cause he cares about you too. I wanted to talk some sense into him, make him realize he probably loves you back if he thought about it hard enough - but I flipped as soon as I saw him at that party.
[Explode like a volcano. That's... sort of what happened with his admission to Joe about his feelings. Sure he'd planned to do it the day he did, but with how everything had been going that day, then the present, it came out a lot sooner than he'd wanted, just up and out, because he honestly believed Joe felt the same with everything that went on.
Then instantly realized he was the biggest cock up in the land. He doesn't really comment on that though, just making an almost dismissive sort of sound at it. Just 'yep sure I know that' sort of sound.]
That's not- no, Eggsy I know you didn't do it to mess up nothing. Just with all the shit from me and me lying to him, then Harry and you having a go at him, Joe was pissed.
[And that last bit really hits him. 'I only want you to be happy, bruv'. He wants it too, he wants so utterly and desperately to be happy, completely. To be honest his life is really good here in Eudio, he can't and shouldn't complain, but all this stuff with Joe has made it hard to see all the good lately. As much as he's tried to mask all of his troubles behind that. Drown himself in his work, in his friends and act like nothing is wrong, but now Eggsy knows and it's one less person he can pretend everything is fine with.]
I want that too.
[His voice wavers some.]
Still glad you got my back, you're the best mate I've ever had.
He didn't yell at you, did he? [ He'll be mad all over again if he took his anger out on Dennis. ] He should know you well enough to know you wouldn't send someone to have a go at him. [ It's not in his nature to do something like that. ]
He'll get over it. [ If he hasn't already.
He smiles to himself at the last of what Dennis says. ] You had me worried you were gonna say we're done. [ He sounds relieved. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
I know. You would've never approved if I'd told you what I was gonna do - but he deserved it, Dennis. After everythin' you told me, he deserved worse.
No one hurts you and gets away with it, you get me?
no subject
He thought it was my idea and he was super pissed. I could've-- I was trying to make shit better and I could've lost any chance of that.
[Eggsy might think he's mental for wanting to make things right with Joe, but he doesn't care if he understands or not.]
no subject
Dennis, it's not like he was at home, thinkin' about what an arsehole he was to you. He was out at a party they have every fucking month, happily flirting with some pretty boy. He didn't look the least bit torn up like you was. He's lucky I didn't knock him out.
no subject
[That's what he keeps telling himself, trying to make himself feel better about everything. It probably sounds ridiculous to Eggsy now, with how torn up Dennis was before, it's not like he still isn't, but he's trying not to be an emotional mess and fix things with Joe.]
And he weren't there to see him, he was there to see the new guys in charge.
[But Eggsy talking about Joe being lucky he didn't know him out...]
And don't touch him, he ain't done nothing that deserves that. We both fucked up, a lot, I hurt him just as much as he hurt me.
no subject
Who cares about them? You're more important, Dennis. [ Eggsy sighs. ] I'd never lay a finger on him 'cause of you. [ Because of how much Dennis cares about the idiot. ]
Explain to me how you hurt him.
no subject
[More than it already ended up being.]
All I've done is tug him around for over a month. Push him away, then want to talk to him, be near him, push him away again. Never knowing what the fuck I want, but it wasn't fair to him. Just cause I'm fucked up in the head over some stupid emotion--
[He keeps telling himself it's stupid, to try and push it down. It'll be easier to make things how they were before that way. He can't keep wallowing and being a mess about this. Even though Joe has repeatedly told him that he shouldn't feel bad about telling him he loves him. That his feelings aren't wrong.]
no subject
no subject
It's so draining.]
No, b-but, nothing would have ended up like it has if I just ignored it. None of this. I should've known better.
[Should have known better. How? Why? It's not like he has any frame of reference for any of this, other than most of his relationships being a mess or disaster, non-romantic of course, and the one major relationship he's grown up with, his parents, was a mess. A joke. His father in jail for years for killing someone, his mother putting up with him before that, so strong and the only thing remotely good in his life.
This is just another notch in the belt of his shit show life. Right?]
no subject
If you honestly think I spoke to Joe 'cause I wanted to screw things up between you, you're wrong. I was gonna talk to him on my own, but Harry tagged along 'cause he cares about you too. I wanted to talk some sense into him, make him realize he probably loves you back if he thought about it hard enough - but I flipped as soon as I saw him at that party.
I only you want to you to be happy, bruv.
no subject
Then instantly realized he was the biggest cock up in the land. He doesn't really comment on that though, just making an almost dismissive sort of sound at it. Just 'yep sure I know that' sort of sound.]
That's not- no, Eggsy I know you didn't do it to mess up nothing. Just with all the shit from me and me lying to him, then Harry and you having a go at him, Joe was pissed.
[And that last bit really hits him. 'I only want you to be happy, bruv'. He wants it too, he wants so utterly and desperately to be happy, completely. To be honest his life is really good here in Eudio, he can't and shouldn't complain, but all this stuff with Joe has made it hard to see all the good lately. As much as he's tried to mask all of his troubles behind that. Drown himself in his work, in his friends and act like nothing is wrong, but now Eggsy knows and it's one less person he can pretend everything is fine with.]
I want that too.
[His voice wavers some.]
Still glad you got my back, you're the best mate I've ever had.
no subject
He'll get over it. [ If he hasn't already.
He smiles to himself at the last of what Dennis says. ] You had me worried you were gonna say we're done. [ He sounds relieved. ]
no subject
["Okay" on the surface, but they have a lot to work through, still. Things were alright.]
Done?
[Dennis smiles softly, shaking his head.]
Nah, bruv, couldn't quit you.