[ Eggsy just stares at the words on the screen in confusion before he slowly gets up and swings open the front door of Charles' place.
He knows Harry is nothing like Dean and would never hit him but at the same time Eggsy's worried he's really fucked things up here and maybe he deserves to get hit for what he's done. That's how Dean always made Eggsy feel; like he deserved every shit thing that ever happened to him, that he'd never amount to anything, that nobody would miss him if he was gone. ]
[this has carried over into something they shouldn't try to hash out over text. it's too raw, too emotional, hinging very much on where they left off before the inconvenience of harry being shit in the fucking head to interrupt them.
a stolen taxi and an exploded microwave are eggsy's ways of acting out--dealing with what he doesn't want to address. after so long under the likes of his stepfather's thumb, it makes sense to harry. but he meant what he said: eggsy is so much better than stooping to acting out in juvenile fashion. there are healthy ways of letting off steam--of grieving, of feeling disappointed, of melancholy.
harry's only glad he has the chance now to explain it.
he's in one of his suits sans glasses, an abject weariness in his face because it is late. it takes a while for him to decide what to start with, silence hanging awkwardly for a few moments.]
This is a conversation better had in person. I'd rather not--leave you hanging again.
[ Eggsy has no idea why Harry didn't just ask to come in - maybe because Eggsy doesn't have his own room for privacy for them to talk - but he closes the door behind him, crossing his arms against his chest defensively.
He's not sure whether it really is a conversation better had in person. It means Eggsy has to look him in the eye and he's having difficulty doing that, having to stare at a point over Harry's shoulder instead, especially after he implies that they shouldn't end their conversations on a sour note like what happened last time. He knows Harry's right; he'd hate for Harry to get sent home after they've had an argument. He'd hate for Harry to get sent home even if their last conversation ended on a good note. ]
I don't need you to be my dad here, yeah? [ The way Harry had reacted to hearing about the microwave incident - overreacted in Eggsy's opinion - was very much like a parent's. Harry may be old enough to be his father but that doesn't mean Eggsy wants him to fill that role in his life. There are others who do that here. Maybe in the beginning Harry had fulfilled a fantasy of his, of a man he'd be proud to call his dad, coming into his life, spoiling him, giving him and his mother security. But things are different now; his feelings have changed. He's not a little boy still wishing for a father anymore. ]
[eggsy may as well have stepped forward and slapped him--starting off like that gives just as much impact. The distance is what hides the barely restrained flinch when those words are uttered, but the way the lines in harry's face deepen and the insurmountable sadness in his eyes--that one's a bit harder. he can tell from the set in eggsy's jaw and the defensive way he's standing that he means it too, and all over again the guilt harry has carried for seventeen long years comes crashing down full force on already weary shoulders.
he doesn't answer right away--cant, but it's quiet and full of unbridled melancholy.]
I could never presume to be the man your father was, though I've spent every day since trying, in every way I can, not to let his sacrifice be in vain.
[maybe there are two conversations taking place here on some level, but it's all connected.]
That doesn't mean I want to see you or anyone else hurt from the brashness of--grief.
[ There's some softness in Eggsy's reply because he gets it. He gets that Harry is looking out for him because of his father's sacrifice and Harry obviously feels like he owes it to him to take care of the son he should have watched grow up and be there for. ]
But my fuck ups ain't yours. [ He thinks maybe Harry reacts so strongly to Eggsy acting out because he feels like it wouldn't have ever happened if his dad had been around, or he blames himself for not being better at teaching Eggsy the proper way to behave. ] You're too hard on yourself, Harry.
[ If he wasn't, then he wouldn't feel so much guilt from his father's death, or he wouldn't have nightmares about the church. Eggsy uncrosses his arms which is a good sign, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans instead. ]
I ain't got anything to grieve about no more. Should be fucking celebrating... [ He hates that they've been gifted with more time together and yet they're having unpleasant conversations like this one. Eggsy doesn't like it and hopes it stops. ]
I fucked up and I'm sorry. I can't promise I won't fuck up again but I promise I'll try not to.
[ That's the best he can do, really - try his hardest. ]
[he wouldn't go as far as to call himself a martyr, but harry wears his guilt like another one of his bespoke suits--has been for the seventeen years since lee unwin's death. it's hard to forget when it comes up so frequently and callously, from the likes of arthur and the other kingsman every so often. to them it's just a punchline. and to harry it's everything more--a debt he knows can't fully be repaid but strives to anyway.
and just like that eggsy lets that tenseness go, arms dropping like a physical barrier and he seems to be able suddenly to acknowledge all harry wanted to point out before--it was a fuck up, a potentially dangerous one that could have cost his life or someone else's. and he knows that's a burden and a lifetime of regret that he wouldn't wish on anyone, but especially not someone as genuine and earnest as eggsy.
but he's right. this is a second chance for them both, and while harry wants to pick things up again, it needn't be in the middle of arguing. so long as eggsy has gotten the message, they can move past it.
and maybe, with his presence now, eggsy will come to understand that harry only ever wanted what was best--the realization of his potential rather than a lecture of wasted youth and failures that would never inspire. it's not only about trying to repay his father, it's about wanting what's best for eggsy because he cares.]
Hard enough, I think. That's my burden--not yours.
[there's a quick inhale, and then a firm:]
--Apology accepted. I'll hold you to that, and in turn I promise not to impose my own guilt on your well-being beyond what's reasonable. Not when we have a chance to pick up where we left off.
[another pause, and then he clears his throat, unexpectedly dry.]
[ Giving Eggsy speeches on how he fucked up his life only succeeds in making him pissed off with the urge to act out more. It's why every person in his life who's given him the same lecture in the past never actually helped him change. Harry was the first person to actually give him a golden opportunity.
It's not like Eggsy never tried to make something of himself. He hasn't always been a lazy delinquent. He'd really wanted to be a part of the marines but he hadn't wanted to break his mother's heart by signing up when the idea obviously upset her. Eggsy's chavy street thug appearance wouldn't make you think he's capable of caring too much if you're the type to judge a book by its cover; but it's true. Caring about his mum made him not join the marines. Caring about JB made him give back the gun still fully loaded. ]
Tuesdays at seven. [ Eggsy repeats, confirming he's still interested in lessons with Harry, a small, reassuring smile on his face. Turning back towards the front door, he opens it with the beginning of a goodbye on the tip of his tongue, figuring they've said everything they wanted to say -
Then Eggsy gets an idea. It's late, but not that late. ]
Come in for a drink. [ From the doorway, Eggsy gestures for him to come inside with a tilt of his head. ] It can be a... what's an old geezer like you call it? Night-cap?
[ He flashes Harry a bit of a cheeky grin that challenges him to accept his invitation rather than go home yet. Rather than go their separate ways and dwell about what's been said, Eggsy thinks it'd be better to forget about happened over a drink or two. ]
I'll make you a Martini the way you like it? [ How can Harry say no to that? Especially when Eggsy's eyes are so puppy-like. ]
[he'd been about to say his own goodbyes, feeliing more than a little awkward to be having this conversation on a stranger's lawn--which is just one more reason to add to the list of why blowing up his flat was a very poor decision indeed. but it's late, admittedly not as late as harry's needed to stay up until he's exhausted enough to fall into a hopefully dreamless (nightmare-less, more like) sleep.
but then eggsy stops hinm, genuinely seems to want harry to stay and maybe it's his way of expressing even further how much he wants things to be on the mend between them. he's never been very exceptional at saying no when presented with a good offer, but even moreso when it comes in the form of a young man on the right side of imploring and eager for his time. so when he opens his mouth, it isn't to decline on the principal of the matter--drinking a stranger's alcohol and sitting in their house feels like an intrusion--but to say instead:]
Let's have it then, assuming Charles doesn't object to your nicking the good stuff.
Charles won't mind. He ain't here anyway, probably at Howard's. [ Eggsy waits for Harry to step inside before closing the door behind him. In the living room, JB is sat on Eggsy's "bed" - in other words, the sofa (Eggsy may sleep with JB snuggled up against him). Spotting Harry, JB's tail starts wagging. ]
Take a seat. [ He gestures to the spot next to JB. ] I'll be back. [ He eagerly makes his way to the kitchen to make the cocktails. It's a chance for him to get back into Harry's good books by making him the best Martini ever. ] Two Martinis comin' right up! [ Of course he's going to make one for himself. ]
[it still feels vaguely intrusive on some level, but he's grateful at least it's just the two of them for now and he's not entirely encroaching on a stranger's household. so he follows eggsy inside, quelling the urge to stress to him that he really ought to get a move on finding a real bed as that can hardly be comfortable for long. there's a small pull at his lips when jb gets excited, harry reaching out a hand to scratch under his neck but not having a seat just yet. that too feels intrusive; it's eggsy's bed for christ's sake.]
JB's looking quite well. Not subject to the same requirements we are around here, I should hope.
[he can hear all the way from the kitchen the eagerness in eggsy's voice, the knowledge that he's probably hoping to impress harry has his lips stretching just a bit wider, closer to a more overt smile. he's still standing when eggsy comes back with them both.]
[ The comment about JB makes Eggsy laugh from the kitchen, replying loud enough for Harry to hear him. ]
He gets more female attention than I do around 'ere. Not from other female dogs, actual women. [ Does he sound jealous of his own dog? Maybe a little bit, but at least he can get women's attention using JB... Not that a dog should be bought for that sole purpose. It's just handy that his pet happens to be a babe magnet. ] He's pretty friendly with Roxy's dog but I think they're just mates. [ Or maybe they shag when no one's looking like their owners, who knows. ]
Prepare to get your fucking socks knocked off. [ Eggsy says upon return, holding out Harry's martini for him. He really, really hopes Harry likes it. He worked hard on preparing it exactly to his high standards. ]
I've been considering getting one myself, you know. And before you need to ask, no I don't think I'll put him up in my crapper this time if he lives long enough.
[in eudio, he means. it's odd to think about the fact that this could be possibility--living the rest of his life in this city. it's a far cry from london, and harry knows he'll be restless eventually, find something else to occupy his time...
it's odd, to say the least. and he's grateful for eggsy to come back while he's still petting jb diligently to interrupt that train of thought. he seems rather confident about his skills--as he well should be if he's retained what harry taught him in his office before the final test that night. he takes it gratefully, nodding silently in thanks.]
[ It doesn't surprise Eggsy much to hear Harry might get a dog. Quite a few people in Eudio had one. He thinks it might be good for Harry to get a furry companion again. Training a puppy could occupy him during his free time... of which he has a lot of. ]
If you want. [ Though Harry will have to propose it himself if he wants a toast that isn't 'to sex'. Raising his glass, he waits for Harry to say something more articulate than he could ever come up with. ]
[he's quiet for a moment, thoughtful as he mulls it over but it's not long for the right words to come. it sums up everything quite nicely--the argument tonight, their existence here as a whole. so he lifts his own glass, clears his throat and says only:] To second chances.
[and from there he can clink his glass with eggsy's, take the first sip of that smooth, decadent drink. he's pleased to find it all in order, just like eggsy had been taught and that means he retained it and now can execute it as well. it's another swell of pride in his chest, not just swooping from the alcohol but from watching his own handiwork manifest and know that eggsy always performs so well.
so he gets a genuine, closed-lipped smile for it, harry indulging in another sip before setting it down with a clink to nurse the rest shortly. but first--]
[ There. It's a simple enough toast but it's still better than Eggsy could have come up with (he'd almost said 'to being alive' but 'second chances' sounds a whole lot better).
Eggsy's actually too busy watching Harry's face after their glasses have tapped together to drink his own martini, somewhat nervous even though he's sure he did everything right...
Not watching Harry spit it out and being praised by him - it gives him the weirdest adrenaline rush. He can't explain why. ] You like it? [ He quickly masks his look of relief and joy into something more smug. ] Told you.
[ He finally sips at his own martini with a pleased smile to himself. ]
What you gonna name your new dog, then? Mrs. Pickles?
[that little glimpse before eggsy corrects his expression--that's what he remembers. from fitting room three, the black prince, the tests before it all went to shit....all of it. that's the look that's so dangerous for harry, the one that has him wanting to start up those lessons so he can impart his knowledge and watch the boy's face light up every time he so much as quotes great literature with proper poignancy. it's a heady thing, not arrogance and nothing he can explain other than getting his kicks somehow. no more, no less (for now).]
Of course, I taught you--the proper way, coincidentally just the way I like it.
[someone might call that grooming under the right circumstances, but well.]
You'll get a chuckle out of this one--I had considered a Scottish terrier. Merlin.
Quite. What can I say, perhaps I'm missing our mutual friend a bit lately.
[his oldest friend, that is to say, not to mention someone in his own fucking age bracket but that's neither here nor there and not something he's about to broach with eggsy when it'll likely only earn him another ribbing about being an old geezer.
he takes another indulgent sip, lips curling around the rim of his glass and tonguing the lingering bit of gin before setting his glass back down, still an approving little twist at the corner of his mouth.]
Legend, that's a new one. I suppose there's a thing or two I've done that'll live on in infamy at HQ.
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25 mins later
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He knows Harry is nothing like Dean and would never hit him but at the same time Eggsy's worried he's really fucked things up here and maybe he deserves to get hit for what he's done. That's how Dean always made Eggsy feel; like he deserved every shit thing that ever happened to him, that he'd never amount to anything, that nobody would miss him if he was gone. ]
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a stolen taxi and an exploded microwave are eggsy's ways of acting out--dealing with what he doesn't want to address. after so long under the likes of his stepfather's thumb, it makes sense to harry. but he meant what he said: eggsy is so much better than stooping to acting out in juvenile fashion. there are healthy ways of letting off steam--of grieving, of feeling disappointed, of melancholy.
harry's only glad he has the chance now to explain it.
he's in one of his suits sans glasses, an abject weariness in his face because it is late. it takes a while for him to decide what to start with, silence hanging awkwardly for a few moments.]
This is a conversation better had in person. I'd rather not--leave you hanging again.
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He's not sure whether it really is a conversation better had in person. It means Eggsy has to look him in the eye and he's having difficulty doing that, having to stare at a point over Harry's shoulder instead, especially after he implies that they shouldn't end their conversations on a sour note like what happened last time. He knows Harry's right; he'd hate for Harry to get sent home after they've had an argument. He'd hate for Harry to get sent home even if their last conversation ended on a good note. ]
I don't need you to be my dad here, yeah? [ The way Harry had reacted to hearing about the microwave incident - overreacted in Eggsy's opinion - was very much like a parent's. Harry may be old enough to be his father but that doesn't mean Eggsy wants him to fill that role in his life. There are others who do that here. Maybe in the beginning Harry had fulfilled a fantasy of his, of a man he'd be proud to call his dad, coming into his life, spoiling him, giving him and his mother security. But things are different now; his feelings have changed. He's not a little boy still wishing for a father anymore. ]
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he doesn't answer right away--cant, but it's quiet and full of unbridled melancholy.]
I could never presume to be the man your father was, though I've spent every day since trying, in every way I can, not to let his sacrifice be in vain.
[maybe there are two conversations taking place here on some level, but it's all connected.]
That doesn't mean I want to see you or anyone else hurt from the brashness of--grief.
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[ There's some softness in Eggsy's reply because he gets it. He gets that Harry is looking out for him because of his father's sacrifice and Harry obviously feels like he owes it to him to take care of the son he should have watched grow up and be there for. ]
But my fuck ups ain't yours. [ He thinks maybe Harry reacts so strongly to Eggsy acting out because he feels like it wouldn't have ever happened if his dad had been around, or he blames himself for not being better at teaching Eggsy the proper way to behave. ] You're too hard on yourself, Harry.
[ If he wasn't, then he wouldn't feel so much guilt from his father's death, or he wouldn't have nightmares about the church. Eggsy uncrosses his arms which is a good sign, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans instead. ]
I ain't got anything to grieve about no more. Should be fucking celebrating... [ He hates that they've been gifted with more time together and yet they're having unpleasant conversations like this one. Eggsy doesn't like it and hopes it stops. ]
I fucked up and I'm sorry. I can't promise I won't fuck up again but I promise I'll try not to.
[ That's the best he can do, really - try his hardest. ]
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and just like that eggsy lets that tenseness go, arms dropping like a physical barrier and he seems to be able suddenly to acknowledge all harry wanted to point out before--it was a fuck up, a potentially dangerous one that could have cost his life or someone else's. and he knows that's a burden and a lifetime of regret that he wouldn't wish on anyone, but especially not someone as genuine and earnest as eggsy.
but he's right. this is a second chance for them both, and while harry wants to pick things up again, it needn't be in the middle of arguing. so long as eggsy has gotten the message, they can move past it.
and maybe, with his presence now, eggsy will come to understand that harry only ever wanted what was best--the realization of his potential rather than a lecture of wasted youth and failures that would never inspire. it's not only about trying to repay his father, it's about wanting what's best for eggsy because he cares.]
Hard enough, I think. That's my burden--not yours.
[there's a quick inhale, and then a firm:]
--Apology accepted. I'll hold you to that, and in turn I promise not to impose my own guilt on your well-being beyond what's reasonable. Not when we have a chance to pick up where we left off.
[another pause, and then he clears his throat, unexpectedly dry.]
Tuesdays, 7pm?
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It's not like Eggsy never tried to make something of himself. He hasn't always been a lazy delinquent. He'd really wanted to be a part of the marines but he hadn't wanted to break his mother's heart by signing up when the idea obviously upset her. Eggsy's chavy street thug appearance wouldn't make you think he's capable of caring too much if you're the type to judge a book by its cover; but it's true. Caring about his mum made him not join the marines. Caring about JB made him give back the gun still fully loaded. ]
Tuesdays at seven. [ Eggsy repeats, confirming he's still interested in lessons with Harry, a small, reassuring smile on his face. Turning back towards the front door, he opens it with the beginning of a goodbye on the tip of his tongue, figuring they've said everything they wanted to say -
Then Eggsy gets an idea. It's late, but not that late. ]
Come in for a drink. [ From the doorway, Eggsy gestures for him to come inside with a tilt of his head. ] It can be a... what's an old geezer like you call it? Night-cap?
[ He flashes Harry a bit of a cheeky grin that challenges him to accept his invitation rather than go home yet. Rather than go their separate ways and dwell about what's been said, Eggsy thinks it'd be better to forget about happened over a drink or two. ]
I'll make you a Martini the way you like it? [ How can Harry say no to that? Especially when Eggsy's eyes are so puppy-like. ]
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but then eggsy stops hinm, genuinely seems to want harry to stay and maybe it's his way of expressing even further how much he wants things to be on the mend between them. he's never been very exceptional at saying no when presented with a good offer, but even moreso when it comes in the form of a young man on the right side of imploring and eager for his time. so when he opens his mouth, it isn't to decline on the principal of the matter--drinking a stranger's alcohol and sitting in their house feels like an intrusion--but to say instead:]
Let's have it then, assuming Charles doesn't object to your nicking the good stuff.
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Take a seat. [ He gestures to the spot next to JB. ] I'll be back. [ He eagerly makes his way to the kitchen to make the cocktails. It's a chance for him to get back into Harry's good books by making him the best Martini ever. ] Two Martinis comin' right up! [ Of course he's going to make one for himself. ]
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JB's looking quite well. Not subject to the same requirements we are around here, I should hope.
[he can hear all the way from the kitchen the eagerness in eggsy's voice, the knowledge that he's probably hoping to impress harry has his lips stretching just a bit wider, closer to a more overt smile. he's still standing when eggsy comes back with them both.]
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He gets more female attention than I do around 'ere. Not from other female dogs, actual women. [ Does he sound jealous of his own dog? Maybe a little bit, but at least he can get women's attention using JB... Not that a dog should be bought for that sole purpose. It's just handy that his pet happens to be a babe magnet. ] He's pretty friendly with Roxy's dog but I think they're just mates. [ Or maybe they shag when no one's looking like their owners, who knows. ]
Prepare to get your fucking socks knocked off. [ Eggsy says upon return, holding out Harry's martini for him. He really, really hopes Harry likes it. He worked hard on preparing it exactly to his high standards. ]
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[in eudio, he means. it's odd to think about the fact that this could be possibility--living the rest of his life in this city. it's a far cry from london, and harry knows he'll be restless eventually, find something else to occupy his time...
it's odd, to say the least. and he's grateful for eggsy to come back while he's still petting jb diligently to interrupt that train of thought. he seems rather confident about his skills--as he well should be if he's retained what harry taught him in his office before the final test that night. he takes it gratefully, nodding silently in thanks.]
Proper toast, then?
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If you want. [ Though Harry will have to propose it himself if he wants a toast that isn't 'to sex'. Raising his glass, he waits for Harry to say something more articulate than he could ever come up with. ]
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[and from there he can clink his glass with eggsy's, take the first sip of that smooth, decadent drink. he's pleased to find it all in order, just like eggsy had been taught and that means he retained it and now can execute it as well. it's another swell of pride in his chest, not just swooping from the alcohol but from watching his own handiwork manifest and know that eggsy always performs so well.
so he gets a genuine, closed-lipped smile for it, harry indulging in another sip before setting it down with a clink to nurse the rest shortly. but first--]
You remembered. Well done indeed.
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Eggsy's actually too busy watching Harry's face after their glasses have tapped together to drink his own martini, somewhat nervous even though he's sure he did everything right...
Not watching Harry spit it out and being praised by him - it gives him the weirdest adrenaline rush. He can't explain why. ] You like it? [ He quickly masks his look of relief and joy into something more smug. ] Told you.
[ He finally sips at his own martini with a pleased smile to himself. ]
What you gonna name your new dog, then? Mrs. Pickles?
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Of course, I taught you--the proper way, coincidentally just the way I like it.
[someone might call that grooming under the right circumstances, but well.]
You'll get a chuckle out of this one--I had considered a Scottish terrier. Merlin.
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Harry doesn't just get a chuckle out of him, he gets belly laughter and Eggsy almost spilling his drink. ]
For real? [ Eggsy approves. He can picture Merlin's face if he were to ever find out. Priceless. ] Harry, you legend.
[ Well, now Harry has to get a Scottish terrier and call him Merlin since it amuses Eggsy so much. ]
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[his oldest friend, that is to say, not to mention someone in his own fucking age bracket but that's neither here nor there and not something he's about to broach with eggsy when it'll likely only earn him another ribbing about being an old geezer.
he takes another indulgent sip, lips curling around the rim of his glass and tonguing the lingering bit of gin before setting his glass back down, still an approving little twist at the corner of his mouth.]
Legend, that's a new one. I suppose there's a thing or two I've done that'll live on in infamy at HQ.