[ It's not the first time she's thought about the question. When she had been duelling Bellatrix she'd used her wand against her and fought hard despite how wrong it had felt and how strange the magic settled around her, but she had never imagined actually killing her. Hermione couldn't do it, no matter what the other woman had done to her -- she wasn't like that. ]
No. I don't think so. I - I couldn't...
[ She shifts, turning to press her face against Eggsy again, her arms curling around him. Her eyes close and she breathes out, stroking her hand down his side before she can reach out to find his hand. ]
[ Her answer is what he expected her to say, even in the short time he's known her. Hand-holding seems like something she finds comfort in, so he doesn't hesitate to slot their fingers together, palm to palm. ]
Killing her wouldn't have made you feel better, trust me... [ He knows she'll probably ask what he means by that, so he might as well explain before she has to ask. ]
That friend I told you 'bout who died - the guy I came here for? I... killed his murderer. [ It's scary to tell her that when she could react badly to it, when she might never look at him the same way again... ]
I had to - it was the only way to stop him from destroyin' everyone. [ By controlling everyone on the planet into being violent and homicidal. ] Maybe for a second when I was standing over him while he was bleeding, it felt... good. [ Not the actual act of ending a life, but - ] For a second it felt good to see him in pain... but then that was it. He was gone, but my friend... He was still dead. I wasn't happy. I was just... relieved it was all over.
[ She holds on to his hand, not just for comfort but also to keep it warm, tilting her head a little so she can look up and see him again.
From the way he had asked... She's not entirely surprised that he has some kind of experience. She knew that he had lost someone, that he'd fought, and she has to swallow as she leans back to look him in the eyes again. Hermione isn't disgusted; how can she be? She knows people that have killed, she knows people that have fought and hurt others, because they had no other choice.
She might not have been able to kill Bellatrix herself, but she had been relieved when she was gone. ]
I understand. When I saw her go... I felt - I don't know what I felt. She deserved it, that vicious, vile woman, for all that she had done, but I don't think I could have ever done it myself. I'm not strong like that, not to do what has to be done. I'll fight, but there are some things even I can't manage.
[ But she's quick to continue, to make sure he realises this isn't her damning him - the opposite. ]
You did what had to be done to save someone and if you let your anger make that easier? That - it's not good, but you had to do it. I think that feeling good is fine, because it's adrenaline, it's the rush of doing something important and scary, but what came after? The relief, knowing you're not happy about what you did? That's what you really felt. I think you wanted it to be over just as much as I did with Bellatrix and that's the most important thing.
[ She leans forward, her forehead against his chest. ]
It was easier 'cause I was angry, yeah. [ Hermione pretty much hits the nail on the head when she says that - in fact, all of what she says is exactly right. It's funny how little she knows about the situation - about his old life and his new one as a Kingsman - yet she manages to figure out his feelings better than he ever possibly could. It's like he hadn't known he had underlying issues with what happened with Valentine, but he feels better after Hermione talks him through them. He came here for her, to comfort her, but it's proving to be a two-way-street. ]
No one's gonna hurt you here. [ He says softly, stroking his hand through her hair while she rests her head against his chest. He soon makes a suggestion when he feels like his legs have stiffened from the cold. ] Why don't we sit down and try to warm up?
[ This time he doesn't mean snogging on the sofa. Right now he just wants to sit, with Hermione curled up his lap, and hold her. ]
Everything is easier when you're angry. It makes it hurt less. [ Hermione is quick to anger about some thing, sharp, snapping things that come with a biting snap against her mind. She knows she can be shrill and frustrated, but she tries not to let that overtake her. In the middle of a battle, though, or the war she had fought, it was easier to let the anger burn away everything else. She doesn't remember how it feels right now, in this moment; she's too lost in her sadness, in the gentle comfort that Eggsy offers her and the tenderness he is offering without demanding anything in return. ]
I know. I remember that - my war is over. [ Lifting her head, Hermione offers him a soft smile and another quick kiss before she steps away, using her hand in his to lead him over to the sofa, hesitating for a moment before she sits, waiting for him to join her. ]
Sit with me and I'll cast a charm or two to warm us up, okay? I can do some tea later...
[ Eggsy sits down as requested, his face lighting up a little at the mention of magic. No matter how cruel some aspects of her world sound, at least it's not all bad - at least there's the beauty of magic to make up for the horribleness of everything else. And there's Hermione. Eggsy thinks she's the best part of wherever Hermione comes from. ]
[ As soon as he sits, Hermione shifts and cuddles closer to him, shifting to wrap one of her arms around his before she giggles her arm, her wand falling out and dropping into her hand. Making sure he can see her wand movements, she waves it and rests her head on his shoulder, her face serious until the magic is done and she's placed it to one side, out of sight and out of mind. There might be a slight tingle as the charm settles, but nothing else seems to change. ]
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no subject
No. I don't think so. I - I couldn't...
[ She shifts, turning to press her face against Eggsy again, her arms curling around him. Her eyes close and she breathes out, stroking her hand down his side before she can reach out to find his hand. ]
no subject
Killing her wouldn't have made you feel better, trust me... [ He knows she'll probably ask what he means by that, so he might as well explain before she has to ask. ]
That friend I told you 'bout who died - the guy I came here for? I... killed his murderer. [ It's scary to tell her that when she could react badly to it, when she might never look at him the same way again... ]
I had to - it was the only way to stop him from destroyin' everyone. [ By controlling everyone on the planet into being violent and homicidal. ] Maybe for a second when I was standing over him while he was bleeding, it felt... good. [ Not the actual act of ending a life, but - ] For a second it felt good to see him in pain... but then that was it. He was gone, but my friend... He was still dead. I wasn't happy. I was just... relieved it was all over.
no subject
From the way he had asked... She's not entirely surprised that he has some kind of experience. She knew that he had lost someone, that he'd fought, and she has to swallow as she leans back to look him in the eyes again. Hermione isn't disgusted; how can she be? She knows people that have killed, she knows people that have fought and hurt others, because they had no other choice.
She might not have been able to kill Bellatrix herself, but she had been relieved when she was gone. ]
I understand. When I saw her go... I felt - I don't know what I felt. She deserved it, that vicious, vile woman, for all that she had done, but I don't think I could have ever done it myself. I'm not strong like that, not to do what has to be done. I'll fight, but there are some things even I can't manage.
[ But she's quick to continue, to make sure he realises this isn't her damning him - the opposite. ]
You did what had to be done to save someone and if you let your anger make that easier? That - it's not good, but you had to do it. I think that feeling good is fine, because it's adrenaline, it's the rush of doing something important and scary, but what came after? The relief, knowing you're not happy about what you did? That's what you really felt. I think you wanted it to be over just as much as I did with Bellatrix and that's the most important thing.
[ She leans forward, her forehead against his chest. ]
no subject
No one's gonna hurt you here. [ He says softly, stroking his hand through her hair while she rests her head against his chest. He soon makes a suggestion when he feels like his legs have stiffened from the cold. ] Why don't we sit down and try to warm up?
[ This time he doesn't mean snogging on the sofa. Right now he just wants to sit, with Hermione curled up his lap, and hold her. ]
no subject
I know. I remember that - my war is over. [ Lifting her head, Hermione offers him a soft smile and another quick kiss before she steps away, using her hand in his to lead him over to the sofa, hesitating for a moment before she sits, waiting for him to join her. ]
Sit with me and I'll cast a charm or two to warm us up, okay? I can do some tea later...
no subject
Go on then, charm me.
no subject
There you go. One charm.