You mean to tell me you knew all manner of risks involved in willingly blowing up a microwave and you bloody well did it anyway, for shits and giggles?
And I suppose this is why you're roughing it on Charles' couch.
maybe I knew how dangerous blowing up a microwave was but I didn't give a shit what could happen to me cuz I lost someone and I was still letting off steam
or maybe I did it cuz it's not like kingsman even exists here and I'm back to being nothing without it so why the fuck not
[ Eggsy just stares at the words on the screen in confusion before he slowly gets up and swings open the front door of Charles' place.
He knows Harry is nothing like Dean and would never hit him but at the same time Eggsy's worried he's really fucked things up here and maybe he deserves to get hit for what he's done. That's how Dean always made Eggsy feel; like he deserved every shit thing that ever happened to him, that he'd never amount to anything, that nobody would miss him if he was gone. ]
[this has carried over into something they shouldn't try to hash out over text. it's too raw, too emotional, hinging very much on where they left off before the inconvenience of harry being shit in the fucking head to interrupt them.
a stolen taxi and an exploded microwave are eggsy's ways of acting out--dealing with what he doesn't want to address. after so long under the likes of his stepfather's thumb, it makes sense to harry. but he meant what he said: eggsy is so much better than stooping to acting out in juvenile fashion. there are healthy ways of letting off steam--of grieving, of feeling disappointed, of melancholy.
harry's only glad he has the chance now to explain it.
he's in one of his suits sans glasses, an abject weariness in his face because it is late. it takes a while for him to decide what to start with, silence hanging awkwardly for a few moments.]
This is a conversation better had in person. I'd rather not--leave you hanging again.
[ Eggsy has no idea why Harry didn't just ask to come in - maybe because Eggsy doesn't have his own room for privacy for them to talk - but he closes the door behind him, crossing his arms against his chest defensively.
He's not sure whether it really is a conversation better had in person. It means Eggsy has to look him in the eye and he's having difficulty doing that, having to stare at a point over Harry's shoulder instead, especially after he implies that they shouldn't end their conversations on a sour note like what happened last time. He knows Harry's right; he'd hate for Harry to get sent home after they've had an argument. He'd hate for Harry to get sent home even if their last conversation ended on a good note. ]
I don't need you to be my dad here, yeah? [ The way Harry had reacted to hearing about the microwave incident - overreacted in Eggsy's opinion - was very much like a parent's. Harry may be old enough to be his father but that doesn't mean Eggsy wants him to fill that role in his life. There are others who do that here. Maybe in the beginning Harry had fulfilled a fantasy of his, of a man he'd be proud to call his dad, coming into his life, spoiling him, giving him and his mother security. But things are different now; his feelings have changed. He's not a little boy still wishing for a father anymore. ]
[eggsy may as well have stepped forward and slapped him--starting off like that gives just as much impact. The distance is what hides the barely restrained flinch when those words are uttered, but the way the lines in harry's face deepen and the insurmountable sadness in his eyes--that one's a bit harder. he can tell from the set in eggsy's jaw and the defensive way he's standing that he means it too, and all over again the guilt harry has carried for seventeen long years comes crashing down full force on already weary shoulders.
he doesn't answer right away--cant, but it's quiet and full of unbridled melancholy.]
I could never presume to be the man your father was, though I've spent every day since trying, in every way I can, not to let his sacrifice be in vain.
[maybe there are two conversations taking place here on some level, but it's all connected.]
That doesn't mean I want to see you or anyone else hurt from the brashness of--grief.
[ There's some softness in Eggsy's reply because he gets it. He gets that Harry is looking out for him because of his father's sacrifice and Harry obviously feels like he owes it to him to take care of the son he should have watched grow up and be there for. ]
But my fuck ups ain't yours. [ He thinks maybe Harry reacts so strongly to Eggsy acting out because he feels like it wouldn't have ever happened if his dad had been around, or he blames himself for not being better at teaching Eggsy the proper way to behave. ] You're too hard on yourself, Harry.
[ If he wasn't, then he wouldn't feel so much guilt from his father's death, or he wouldn't have nightmares about the church. Eggsy uncrosses his arms which is a good sign, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans instead. ]
I ain't got anything to grieve about no more. Should be fucking celebrating... [ He hates that they've been gifted with more time together and yet they're having unpleasant conversations like this one. Eggsy doesn't like it and hopes it stops. ]
I fucked up and I'm sorry. I can't promise I won't fuck up again but I promise I'll try not to.
[ That's the best he can do, really - try his hardest. ]
[he wouldn't go as far as to call himself a martyr, but harry wears his guilt like another one of his bespoke suits--has been for the seventeen years since lee unwin's death. it's hard to forget when it comes up so frequently and callously, from the likes of arthur and the other kingsman every so often. to them it's just a punchline. and to harry it's everything more--a debt he knows can't fully be repaid but strives to anyway.
and just like that eggsy lets that tenseness go, arms dropping like a physical barrier and he seems to be able suddenly to acknowledge all harry wanted to point out before--it was a fuck up, a potentially dangerous one that could have cost his life or someone else's. and he knows that's a burden and a lifetime of regret that he wouldn't wish on anyone, but especially not someone as genuine and earnest as eggsy.
but he's right. this is a second chance for them both, and while harry wants to pick things up again, it needn't be in the middle of arguing. so long as eggsy has gotten the message, they can move past it.
and maybe, with his presence now, eggsy will come to understand that harry only ever wanted what was best--the realization of his potential rather than a lecture of wasted youth and failures that would never inspire. it's not only about trying to repay his father, it's about wanting what's best for eggsy because he cares.]
Hard enough, I think. That's my burden--not yours.
[there's a quick inhale, and then a firm:]
--Apology accepted. I'll hold you to that, and in turn I promise not to impose my own guilt on your well-being beyond what's reasonable. Not when we have a chance to pick up where we left off.
[another pause, and then he clears his throat, unexpectedly dry.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Cooking, Eggsy. Unless you consider that beneath you as well.
no subject
[ Eggsy just had the weirdest image of himself dressed as a french maid... ]
actually that'd be really helpful because if I blow up another microwave and I'm out of money to eat out then I'm fucked
no subject
You're joking.
1/7 I need to for the eggsy expressions
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
DONE
20 mins later
And I suppose this is why you're roughing it on Charles' couch.
no subject
I do dumb shit when you're not around alright
1/2
no subject
Disappointed. I would have thought you were past this sort of acting out, with or without me.
1/2
[ why does he feel like he's arguing with his girlfriend right now what the fuck is this ]
how did this get so angsty
idk I am sad
Kindly refrain from inserting words in mouth, Eggsy. You're not a disappointment--your actions are.
You're better than petty crimes or boredom-induced arson. Anyone with two eyes can see that.
[harry is feeling a lot like a scolding parent right now, like this is where they left off before the church and it's uncomfortable to say the least.]
no subject
maybe I knew how dangerous blowing up a microwave was but I didn't give a shit what could happen to me cuz I lost someone and I was still letting off steam
or maybe I did it cuz it's not like kingsman even exists here and I'm back to being nothing without it so why the fuck not
25 mins later
no subject
He knows Harry is nothing like Dean and would never hit him but at the same time Eggsy's worried he's really fucked things up here and maybe he deserves to get hit for what he's done. That's how Dean always made Eggsy feel; like he deserved every shit thing that ever happened to him, that he'd never amount to anything, that nobody would miss him if he was gone. ]
no subject
a stolen taxi and an exploded microwave are eggsy's ways of acting out--dealing with what he doesn't want to address. after so long under the likes of his stepfather's thumb, it makes sense to harry. but he meant what he said: eggsy is so much better than stooping to acting out in juvenile fashion. there are healthy ways of letting off steam--of grieving, of feeling disappointed, of melancholy.
harry's only glad he has the chance now to explain it.
he's in one of his suits sans glasses, an abject weariness in his face because it is late. it takes a while for him to decide what to start with, silence hanging awkwardly for a few moments.]
This is a conversation better had in person. I'd rather not--leave you hanging again.
no subject
He's not sure whether it really is a conversation better had in person. It means Eggsy has to look him in the eye and he's having difficulty doing that, having to stare at a point over Harry's shoulder instead, especially after he implies that they shouldn't end their conversations on a sour note like what happened last time. He knows Harry's right; he'd hate for Harry to get sent home after they've had an argument. He'd hate for Harry to get sent home even if their last conversation ended on a good note. ]
I don't need you to be my dad here, yeah? [ The way Harry had reacted to hearing about the microwave incident - overreacted in Eggsy's opinion - was very much like a parent's. Harry may be old enough to be his father but that doesn't mean Eggsy wants him to fill that role in his life. There are others who do that here. Maybe in the beginning Harry had fulfilled a fantasy of his, of a man he'd be proud to call his dad, coming into his life, spoiling him, giving him and his mother security. But things are different now; his feelings have changed. He's not a little boy still wishing for a father anymore. ]
no subject
he doesn't answer right away--cant, but it's quiet and full of unbridled melancholy.]
I could never presume to be the man your father was, though I've spent every day since trying, in every way I can, not to let his sacrifice be in vain.
[maybe there are two conversations taking place here on some level, but it's all connected.]
That doesn't mean I want to see you or anyone else hurt from the brashness of--grief.
no subject
[ There's some softness in Eggsy's reply because he gets it. He gets that Harry is looking out for him because of his father's sacrifice and Harry obviously feels like he owes it to him to take care of the son he should have watched grow up and be there for. ]
But my fuck ups ain't yours. [ He thinks maybe Harry reacts so strongly to Eggsy acting out because he feels like it wouldn't have ever happened if his dad had been around, or he blames himself for not being better at teaching Eggsy the proper way to behave. ] You're too hard on yourself, Harry.
[ If he wasn't, then he wouldn't feel so much guilt from his father's death, or he wouldn't have nightmares about the church. Eggsy uncrosses his arms which is a good sign, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans instead. ]
I ain't got anything to grieve about no more. Should be fucking celebrating... [ He hates that they've been gifted with more time together and yet they're having unpleasant conversations like this one. Eggsy doesn't like it and hopes it stops. ]
I fucked up and I'm sorry. I can't promise I won't fuck up again but I promise I'll try not to.
[ That's the best he can do, really - try his hardest. ]
no subject
and just like that eggsy lets that tenseness go, arms dropping like a physical barrier and he seems to be able suddenly to acknowledge all harry wanted to point out before--it was a fuck up, a potentially dangerous one that could have cost his life or someone else's. and he knows that's a burden and a lifetime of regret that he wouldn't wish on anyone, but especially not someone as genuine and earnest as eggsy.
but he's right. this is a second chance for them both, and while harry wants to pick things up again, it needn't be in the middle of arguing. so long as eggsy has gotten the message, they can move past it.
and maybe, with his presence now, eggsy will come to understand that harry only ever wanted what was best--the realization of his potential rather than a lecture of wasted youth and failures that would never inspire. it's not only about trying to repay his father, it's about wanting what's best for eggsy because he cares.]
Hard enough, I think. That's my burden--not yours.
[there's a quick inhale, and then a firm:]
--Apology accepted. I'll hold you to that, and in turn I promise not to impose my own guilt on your well-being beyond what's reasonable. Not when we have a chance to pick up where we left off.
[another pause, and then he clears his throat, unexpectedly dry.]
Tuesdays, 7pm?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)