[ The silence makes her panic, makes her heart rush in her chest, and she tries her best not to let it get to her. She knows it's a big deal, she knows that it's an issue, and she tries to fight to not let it hurt her. It's an ugly thing, even if she had reclaimed the word - mudblood and proud - and understanding that it might be there forever is hard for her.
After putting her phone down and curling up with Helga, she startles when she hears the voice at the door, sitting up quickly. Rolling down her sleeves and pushing her hair up and out of her face she goes, opening the door and ushering Eggsy with a hand on his arm; he must be freezing and she's scolding despite her red eyes and damp cheeks. ]
Are you absolutely mental? It's a blizzard, Eggsy!
[ In hindsight, he probably should have told her he was coming over so not to worry her. But rarely does Eggsy thinks through and he's here now, practically being blown into Hermione's apartment. He takes one look at her face and has to hug her. It's why he came over anyway but the fact that she's been crying makes him want to hug her even more.
So as soon as the front door is closed, Eggsy's holding her, one arm wrapped tight around her waist, one hand cupping the back of her head, burying his face into her neck.
He's probably the worst person to be hugging right now because he's so cold but it's the only way he can respond to the image he sent in a way that isn't rage over the idea of someone being sick enough to scar her. There's also that fear that maybe she did it to herself. ]
[ She wants to scold him, she wants to smack his shoulder and tell him off for how utterly ridiculous he's being, but she doesn't really have the will or the energy. Admittedly, Hermione feels awful for showing him, for dragging this out, for shoving them at him when they were joking around and having fun, but if they were going to do things together (which she knows they are, there were promises made and she wants to, she does) he'd have seen the scar eventually and she would have had to explain...
Her arms wrap around him tight, leaning close and squeezing at him, letting him press his face into her, letting him hold on.
For all that he might be cold, for all that the frost is probably making his hands ice against her, she doesn't care. She grips at him, pulls him closer and holds him, turning her head to press against his - her nose is squashed but that hardly matters. She just grips, fighting back a fresh set of tears. ]
[ Eggsy doesn't know how long he hugs her for, long enough for some heat to be generated between them from their bodies being together. Even when Eggsy means to pull away, he doesn't move far - all he wants is to be close to her right now. He draws back enough so he can see her face and she can see his, but keeps one arm around her still, his free hand moving to cup one of her damp cheeks.
There's things he wants to say, to ask, but he has a strong urge to kiss her better. He's not naive enough to think kisses can fix everything - it won't erase the scar on her arm, as much as he wants it to - but he's far better at physically comforting someone. So, he leans in to give her a kiss that's both soothing and gentle. It's probably surprising coming from someone like him, to have him be so caring when he dresses like someone a lot of people would judge as an uncaring hooligan if they saw walking down the street. Of course, anyone who actually knows him well should know this isn't the case. Eggsy actually cares a lot about people, particularly when he forms a bond with them. A strong bond is forming between him and Hermione already, despite how different their worlds are. ]
[ She can feel him warm against her, as her body heat spreads and offers him something to help battle the cold. She holds on to him because she's terrified to let go, terrified that if she does he might ask to see it in person, that she might have to explain more of the story - she lives in fear of what he might say if he really saw it, a disgusting brand against her skin forever.
It's easier when he kisses her; she can lift her arms to slip them around his neck, to draw him close and squeeze her eyes shut as she returns it, to lean up and give in to the simplicity of it. He wants to make her feel better and she knows that, pressing back into the touch of their lips with a passion that surprises her a little - it makes her feel better, it warms her, and she takes it for what it is from him: comfort and tenderness, something real and tangible as the understanding of what she'd faced crashes down around them. This, she thinks, might be the worst of all the things he could learn about her and a kiss is much better than talking about that, especially when she pauses to breathe out against his mouth, hesitating before she takes another, a little harder this time. ]
[ Eggsy doesn't expect the kiss to be as passionate as it becomes. Everything about the relationship that's forming between him and Hermione is surprising to Eggsy, though. He manages to lift Hermione up onto her tiptoes with how much he's holding her tightly against him, responding to that little bit of vigor she puts into the kiss before Eggsy's finally pulling back to rest his forehead against hers. He's shaking a little but it's unclear whether it's from the cold or from the anger he'd felt - is feeling - from seeing a degrading scar possibly inflicted by some vile person on someone so good and kind. ]
Do you want to talk about it? [ He asks in a hushed tone, his eyes searching hers. ] You don't have to right now, I just... I needed to see whether you were okay. [ He strokes his thumb against her cheek. ] Are you?
[ When he leans back she makes to chase his lips, to try and silence him with kisses rather than letting him speak and bring their focus back to the matter at hand - almost literally. His forehead touches hers and Hermione purses her lips, eyes closed tight, pushing away the urge to let the tears fall again. She hadn't had much time to deal with the scar at home, too busy fighting, but here, in a city? She has the nightmares, the dreams, the memories. She deals because she has to and she doesn't want to consider what it means that she can't ignore it, despite the pride she has in knowing who she is.
Arms move, carefully, and slide around his body, holding him close as she draws in a long breath. ] I was tortured. She held me down and she used a spell to torture me. When the torture didn't make me give her the information she wanted that came next. [ The scar. An eternal reminder of the hatred so many people had. ] I'm okay now, it was months ago. It's just - if we were going to be together, even just for a sleepover, you'd see it.
[ Eggsy can see what she almost tries to do and he's glad when she chooses to talk to him instead, because if she had continued to kiss him, he only would have wondered if she was doing it for the right reasons - because she wanted to, or to distract him. He wouldn't normally mind being distracted in such a way but this was serious... ]
Fuck.
[ It's even worse than Eggsy thought. Tortured, even before she got the scar. Hermione was so brave, so loyal to not tell her torturer anything and suffer in silence instead - or had she screamed? Eggsy doesn't want to think about it. It makes him feel sick thinking about it...
(He'd do the same for Kingsman.)
She probably remembers it like it was yesterday. He can see why she warned him; telling him now would make things less awkward later on. He just hopes she doesn't think he won't want to touch her now or something stupid like that. Everyone had scars in a way; some people just had internal ones you couldn't see, like Eggsy's. ]
Please tell me she's rotting in prison for life. [ Or better yet - she's dead. He really doesn't want to hear that the woman got away with it, that she's out there somewhere living a happy life. She needed to pay for what she did, if she hadn't already. ]
[ He swears and while Hermione is really not the type of person for bad language she can appreciate the fact that now might well be an apt time. There's not much to be said in return for "I was tortured" other than a mixture of grief or pity, she thinks, so the anger makes her a little relieved. At least he's not trying to tell her it's okay, because it's not and it is all at once. She's grown up a little and accepted it as much as she can.
She's not the only one who suffered, after all.
Leaning back, her eyes glance up at him and she gives herself a few moments, centring herself, before she swallows and breathes out. This is fresher, she thinks, than anything else; this and the Battle, losing Harry, the panic. ]
We escaped from the House and then some other things happened, we had to go back to our school to fight in a war. I duelled her there, but it was a friend's mother that killed her. She's gone, now.
[ After Hermione had been forced to Polyjuice into her, of course. She closes her eyes and shakes her head. ]
Good. [ Eggsy couldn't be gladder to hear that the woman isn't hurting more innocent people like Hermione. Obviously he wishes she hadn't hurt Hermione in the first place, but what's done has been done. He can't change her past, but he can do everything he possibly can to make her smile in the future. Make her happy. ]
Do you think you could've done it? [ Eggsy asks her quietly. ] Killed her?
[ Revenge is sweet, or so they say. Except Eggsy knows from personal experience that the satisfaction from killing a person who's caused a huge amount of pain to yourself and others only lasts a short while before the adrenaline rush crashes back into heartache. ]
[ It's not the first time she's thought about the question. When she had been duelling Bellatrix she'd used her wand against her and fought hard despite how wrong it had felt and how strange the magic settled around her, but she had never imagined actually killing her. Hermione couldn't do it, no matter what the other woman had done to her -- she wasn't like that. ]
No. I don't think so. I - I couldn't...
[ She shifts, turning to press her face against Eggsy again, her arms curling around him. Her eyes close and she breathes out, stroking her hand down his side before she can reach out to find his hand. ]
[ Her answer is what he expected her to say, even in the short time he's known her. Hand-holding seems like something she finds comfort in, so he doesn't hesitate to slot their fingers together, palm to palm. ]
Killing her wouldn't have made you feel better, trust me... [ He knows she'll probably ask what he means by that, so he might as well explain before she has to ask. ]
That friend I told you 'bout who died - the guy I came here for? I... killed his murderer. [ It's scary to tell her that when she could react badly to it, when she might never look at him the same way again... ]
I had to - it was the only way to stop him from destroyin' everyone. [ By controlling everyone on the planet into being violent and homicidal. ] Maybe for a second when I was standing over him while he was bleeding, it felt... good. [ Not the actual act of ending a life, but - ] For a second it felt good to see him in pain... but then that was it. He was gone, but my friend... He was still dead. I wasn't happy. I was just... relieved it was all over.
[ She holds on to his hand, not just for comfort but also to keep it warm, tilting her head a little so she can look up and see him again.
From the way he had asked... She's not entirely surprised that he has some kind of experience. She knew that he had lost someone, that he'd fought, and she has to swallow as she leans back to look him in the eyes again. Hermione isn't disgusted; how can she be? She knows people that have killed, she knows people that have fought and hurt others, because they had no other choice.
She might not have been able to kill Bellatrix herself, but she had been relieved when she was gone. ]
I understand. When I saw her go... I felt - I don't know what I felt. She deserved it, that vicious, vile woman, for all that she had done, but I don't think I could have ever done it myself. I'm not strong like that, not to do what has to be done. I'll fight, but there are some things even I can't manage.
[ But she's quick to continue, to make sure he realises this isn't her damning him - the opposite. ]
You did what had to be done to save someone and if you let your anger make that easier? That - it's not good, but you had to do it. I think that feeling good is fine, because it's adrenaline, it's the rush of doing something important and scary, but what came after? The relief, knowing you're not happy about what you did? That's what you really felt. I think you wanted it to be over just as much as I did with Bellatrix and that's the most important thing.
[ She leans forward, her forehead against his chest. ]
It was easier 'cause I was angry, yeah. [ Hermione pretty much hits the nail on the head when she says that - in fact, all of what she says is exactly right. It's funny how little she knows about the situation - about his old life and his new one as a Kingsman - yet she manages to figure out his feelings better than he ever possibly could. It's like he hadn't known he had underlying issues with what happened with Valentine, but he feels better after Hermione talks him through them. He came here for her, to comfort her, but it's proving to be a two-way-street. ]
No one's gonna hurt you here. [ He says softly, stroking his hand through her hair while she rests her head against his chest. He soon makes a suggestion when he feels like his legs have stiffened from the cold. ] Why don't we sit down and try to warm up?
[ This time he doesn't mean snogging on the sofa. Right now he just wants to sit, with Hermione curled up his lap, and hold her. ]
Everything is easier when you're angry. It makes it hurt less. [ Hermione is quick to anger about some thing, sharp, snapping things that come with a biting snap against her mind. She knows she can be shrill and frustrated, but she tries not to let that overtake her. In the middle of a battle, though, or the war she had fought, it was easier to let the anger burn away everything else. She doesn't remember how it feels right now, in this moment; she's too lost in her sadness, in the gentle comfort that Eggsy offers her and the tenderness he is offering without demanding anything in return. ]
I know. I remember that - my war is over. [ Lifting her head, Hermione offers him a soft smile and another quick kiss before she steps away, using her hand in his to lead him over to the sofa, hesitating for a moment before she sits, waiting for him to join her. ]
Sit with me and I'll cast a charm or two to warm us up, okay? I can do some tea later...
[ Eggsy sits down as requested, his face lighting up a little at the mention of magic. No matter how cruel some aspects of her world sound, at least it's not all bad - at least there's the beauty of magic to make up for the horribleness of everything else. And there's Hermione. Eggsy thinks she's the best part of wherever Hermione comes from. ]
[ As soon as he sits, Hermione shifts and cuddles closer to him, shifting to wrap one of her arms around his before she giggles her arm, her wand falling out and dropping into her hand. Making sure he can see her wand movements, she waves it and rests her head on his shoulder, her face serious until the magic is done and she's placed it to one side, out of sight and out of mind. There might be a slight tingle as the charm settles, but nothing else seems to change. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'd give you a hundred
but not for that word
fuck that word
no subject
There's something I have to tell you.
no subject
no subject
photo attachment ]
no subject
He really doesn't.
He's going to have to go straight over to Hermione's place and wait outside in the freezing cold until she opens up. ]
Hermione? [ He calls her name loud enough for her to hear through the door so she knows it's him. ]
no subject
After putting her phone down and curling up with Helga, she startles when she hears the voice at the door, sitting up quickly. Rolling down her sleeves and pushing her hair up and out of her face she goes, opening the door and ushering Eggsy with a hand on his arm; he must be freezing and she's scolding despite her red eyes and damp cheeks. ]
Are you absolutely mental? It's a blizzard, Eggsy!
no subject
So as soon as the front door is closed, Eggsy's holding her, one arm wrapped tight around her waist, one hand cupping the back of her head, burying his face into her neck.
He's probably the worst person to be hugging right now because he's so cold but it's the only way he can respond to the image he sent in a way that isn't rage over the idea of someone being sick enough to scar her. There's also that fear that maybe she did it to herself. ]
no subject
Her arms wrap around him tight, leaning close and squeezing at him, letting him press his face into her, letting him hold on.
For all that he might be cold, for all that the frost is probably making his hands ice against her, she doesn't care. She grips at him, pulls him closer and holds him, turning her head to press against his - her nose is squashed but that hardly matters. She just grips, fighting back a fresh set of tears. ]
no subject
There's things he wants to say, to ask, but he has a strong urge to kiss her better. He's not naive enough to think kisses can fix everything - it won't erase the scar on her arm, as much as he wants it to - but he's far better at physically comforting someone. So, he leans in to give her a kiss that's both soothing and gentle. It's probably surprising coming from someone like him, to have him be so caring when he dresses like someone a lot of people would judge as an uncaring hooligan if they saw walking down the street. Of course, anyone who actually knows him well should know this isn't the case. Eggsy actually cares a lot about people, particularly when he forms a bond with them. A strong bond is forming between him and Hermione already, despite how different their worlds are. ]
no subject
It's easier when he kisses her; she can lift her arms to slip them around his neck, to draw him close and squeeze her eyes shut as she returns it, to lean up and give in to the simplicity of it. He wants to make her feel better and she knows that, pressing back into the touch of their lips with a passion that surprises her a little - it makes her feel better, it warms her, and she takes it for what it is from him: comfort and tenderness, something real and tangible as the understanding of what she'd faced crashes down around them. This, she thinks, might be the worst of all the things he could learn about her and a kiss is much better than talking about that, especially when she pauses to breathe out against his mouth, hesitating before she takes another, a little harder this time. ]
no subject
Do you want to talk about it? [ He asks in a hushed tone, his eyes searching hers. ] You don't have to right now, I just... I needed to see whether you were okay. [ He strokes his thumb against her cheek. ] Are you?
no subject
Arms move, carefully, and slide around his body, holding him close as she draws in a long breath. ] I was tortured. She held me down and she used a spell to torture me. When the torture didn't make me give her the information she wanted that came next. [ The scar. An eternal reminder of the hatred so many people had. ] I'm okay now, it was months ago. It's just - if we were going to be together, even just for a sleepover, you'd see it.
no subject
Fuck.
[ It's even worse than Eggsy thought. Tortured, even before she got the scar. Hermione was so brave, so loyal to not tell her torturer anything and suffer in silence instead - or had she screamed? Eggsy doesn't want to think about it. It makes him feel sick thinking about it...
(He'd do the same for Kingsman.)
She probably remembers it like it was yesterday. He can see why she warned him; telling him now would make things less awkward later on. He just hopes she doesn't think he won't want to touch her now or something stupid like that. Everyone had scars in a way; some people just had internal ones you couldn't see, like Eggsy's. ]
Please tell me she's rotting in prison for life. [ Or better yet - she's dead. He really doesn't want to hear that the woman got away with it, that she's out there somewhere living a happy life. She needed to pay for what she did, if she hadn't already. ]
no subject
She's not the only one who suffered, after all.
Leaning back, her eyes glance up at him and she gives herself a few moments, centring herself, before she swallows and breathes out. This is fresher, she thinks, than anything else; this and the Battle, losing Harry, the panic. ]
We escaped from the House and then some other things happened, we had to go back to our school to fight in a war. I duelled her there, but it was a friend's mother that killed her. She's gone, now.
[ After Hermione had been forced to Polyjuice into her, of course. She closes her eyes and shakes her head. ]
She's not hurting anyone now.
no subject
Do you think you could've done it? [ Eggsy asks her quietly. ] Killed her?
[ Revenge is sweet, or so they say. Except Eggsy knows from personal experience that the satisfaction from killing a person who's caused a huge amount of pain to yourself and others only lasts a short while before the adrenaline rush crashes back into heartache. ]
no subject
No. I don't think so. I - I couldn't...
[ She shifts, turning to press her face against Eggsy again, her arms curling around him. Her eyes close and she breathes out, stroking her hand down his side before she can reach out to find his hand. ]
no subject
Killing her wouldn't have made you feel better, trust me... [ He knows she'll probably ask what he means by that, so he might as well explain before she has to ask. ]
That friend I told you 'bout who died - the guy I came here for? I... killed his murderer. [ It's scary to tell her that when she could react badly to it, when she might never look at him the same way again... ]
I had to - it was the only way to stop him from destroyin' everyone. [ By controlling everyone on the planet into being violent and homicidal. ] Maybe for a second when I was standing over him while he was bleeding, it felt... good. [ Not the actual act of ending a life, but - ] For a second it felt good to see him in pain... but then that was it. He was gone, but my friend... He was still dead. I wasn't happy. I was just... relieved it was all over.
no subject
From the way he had asked... She's not entirely surprised that he has some kind of experience. She knew that he had lost someone, that he'd fought, and she has to swallow as she leans back to look him in the eyes again. Hermione isn't disgusted; how can she be? She knows people that have killed, she knows people that have fought and hurt others, because they had no other choice.
She might not have been able to kill Bellatrix herself, but she had been relieved when she was gone. ]
I understand. When I saw her go... I felt - I don't know what I felt. She deserved it, that vicious, vile woman, for all that she had done, but I don't think I could have ever done it myself. I'm not strong like that, not to do what has to be done. I'll fight, but there are some things even I can't manage.
[ But she's quick to continue, to make sure he realises this isn't her damning him - the opposite. ]
You did what had to be done to save someone and if you let your anger make that easier? That - it's not good, but you had to do it. I think that feeling good is fine, because it's adrenaline, it's the rush of doing something important and scary, but what came after? The relief, knowing you're not happy about what you did? That's what you really felt. I think you wanted it to be over just as much as I did with Bellatrix and that's the most important thing.
[ She leans forward, her forehead against his chest. ]
no subject
No one's gonna hurt you here. [ He says softly, stroking his hand through her hair while she rests her head against his chest. He soon makes a suggestion when he feels like his legs have stiffened from the cold. ] Why don't we sit down and try to warm up?
[ This time he doesn't mean snogging on the sofa. Right now he just wants to sit, with Hermione curled up his lap, and hold her. ]
no subject
I know. I remember that - my war is over. [ Lifting her head, Hermione offers him a soft smile and another quick kiss before she steps away, using her hand in his to lead him over to the sofa, hesitating for a moment before she sits, waiting for him to join her. ]
Sit with me and I'll cast a charm or two to warm us up, okay? I can do some tea later...
no subject
Go on then, charm me.
no subject
There you go. One charm.